You’ve decked out your living space in all the fineries you could possibly need. An OLED TV, check; a badass blender with blades reconstituted from dragon teeth, check; a fabulous grill capable of tickling the fancy of a Viking lord of old, also, check.
Many times, the only room in our castles not getting its fair share of love is our throne room. Now, why anyone would want to neglect the place where they feel relief, get clean and watch more cat gifs than in their office is beyond me. This short list will hopefully inspire some of you to give your bathroom a desperately needed upgrade while not requiring hours of labor, sweaty construction workers (although we love our sweaty, nimble friends) or breaking the bank.
#1. A Bidet
Yeah, you guessed it. How could bidets not fill the top spot on our list? A device that not only chips away the nastiness of post-deucedom, but one that instills in its user a feeling of confidence, even on the hottest, muggiest of days. This isn’t to mention the bidet’s uncanny ability to make house guests feel like giddy lil poopers as they use it and are subsequently wowed by the experience.
Home bidets come in all flavors: from inexpensive bidet attachments which simply bed down under your toilet seat and require nothing but a connection to your water supply to operate, to electric enchanters that not only look cutting edge, but have the suite of features to back up their looks.
These fully featured electric bidets will, in most cases provide most of these features: warm water with temperature control, adjustable pressure, adjustable nozzle position, feminine cleansing, oscillating cleaning function (the nozzle moves back and forth to cover a wider area), a slowly closing lid and seat to avoid that awful, loud banging, and a dryer.
If that doesn’t have you inhaling Metamucil, the features of the upper tier of electric bidets definitely will. They come with deodorizers, bowl pre and post misting to deter the stickiest of turds from hanging on, UV lights to kill bacteria, silver nanoparticles on the nozzles to kill EVEN MORE bacteria, ambient noise generators to muffle your butt-trumpet and more.
A bidet not only transforms your toilet, it can truly bring your whole bathroom into the 21st century.
#2 A Better Shower Head
More than likely, you are still using the shower head that came with the shower (if not, congrats on being ahead of the curve here). Most people never consider changing the shower head as it’s usually “good enough” to squeak by without pissing you off too much and drawing attention to itself as one of your bathroom’s weakest links.
Setups with a mounted, adjustable shower-head as well as a separate, handheld wand are quite popular options. The mounted shower-head can continuously coat you with warm, liquid goodness while you take the fight to the areas that need it most with the handheld wand.
“DreamSpa Instant-Mount Drill-Free Height / Angle Adjustable 36-Setting 3-Way Shower Head / Handheld Shower with 22-Inch Stainless Steel Slide Bar, Chrome Finish“
Yes, that is an actual Amazon listing. Incredible reviews, 36 freaking functions (well, more like 2 shower heads with 7 functions each, including a pause mode) and a surprisingly affordable price. Doesn’t that sound better than what is currently sputtering and unevenly spraying you every day?
Some functions these fancy-schmancy shower heads come packing are: misting spray, high pressure massage, rainfall mode, eco spray, pause mode, anti-microbial coatings, various combinations of the above listed, and yes, even more.
Don’t like the dual shower-head setup? Why not opt for a larger, rainfall head? These are best installed perpendicular to the ground and provide the same feeling as being caught in a downpour (minus your phone getting ruined, the cold and people laughing at you).
#3 A Body Monitor Scale
If you warped into your great grandma’s bathroom of the early 20th century, what kind of scale would she have? If you answered, “Well, pretty much the same one I have!” then it’s time for a major upgrade. The scale of the post WWI era can now measure more than just weight. Plug in a few details about yourself, such as your gender and height, and today’s scale can give you some interesting insight into your late night Doritos binging. Fat %, BMI, visceral fat (ft around your midsection that can squeeze the ever-loving life out of some very important organs if left to run rampant), and your body age. Some scales even come with an app that can streamline track your data automatically.
These scales work by sending electrical pulses through your body (don’t worry, it isn’t like touching the dinosaur paddock in Jurassic Park) and using the time it takes to go from one sensor to the other. Electricity moves more quickly through muscle than fat, so, the longer the signal takes, the higher the fat percentage.
While some of these measurements aren’t as accurate as going to a doctor and having measurements taken, these scales can still provide some worthwhile information. For example, the body fat percentage is liable to give inconsistent readings if you’ve eaten, drank or shat since last using it. However, this can easily be rectified by taking your body scan in the morning after your first pee or poo, before drinking or eating anything. Having constant measuring conditions can give you a reliable measure of changes in body fat (if not an exactly accurate reading).
Overall, if you’re looking to shed some pounds, gain some muscle or just monitor some stats, an electronic body scanning scale is a wonderful way to step up your bathroom game.
#4 A Nebulizing Essential Oil Diffuser
We all like to treat our noses to fine fragrances. Heck, half the time I’m at home alone, sitting in sweatpants , I’ll put on some cologne just because I like the smell.
A bathroom is one of the last places you’d classify as pleasant-smelling. When numerous heaters are being cranked out into the toilet each day, the post-shower smell of your favorite soap quickly becomes the odor of Le’Turd. An essential oil diffuser can do yourself and others a great service by filling the room with something that DOESN’T smell like shit.
Essential oil diffusers fit into two main categories: ultrasonic or nebulizing.
An ultrasonic diffuser is essentially (tehehe) a humidifier that lets the oil hitch a ride on vaporized water particles. These diffusers will scentify the room they’re in for as long as they’re on and a little while afterwards.
A nebulizing diffuser is, like, totally way better. It uses some fancy-pants physics to eject microscopic oil particles into the air which can stay suspended for hours. In my case, my bathroom doesn’t need a humidifier, but does need something to make it smell less like the inside of a diaper after the toilet has been used.
Essential oils come in a variety of scents. From the uber-refreshing, icy cool blast of peppermint oil to the zestiness of lemon and orange oils, there is sure to be something that tickles your fancy.
#5 A Bluetooth Shower Speaker
There’s an episode of the Flintstones where Fred hears Barney singing in the shower, his voice the deep, seductive baritone of a classic 50’s crooner. We all sing better in the shower, and what could possibly help bring out our inner Clay Aiken than a speaker that won’t explode when wet?
Bluetooth speakers have been a staple of modern households for the last decade or so. They provide a simple, convenient way to blast your tunes throughout your house without being tethered to massive, hard to move conventional speakers. Bringing the ballads to the bathroom was the next logical step for those of us who never stop jamming.
A Bluetooth shower speaker can radically improve your morning. Seriously. Imagine taking a shower… Now imagine taking a shower with the Spice Girls in their prime. Yeah, a Bluetooth shower speaker can do that. These speakers not only liven up your showers, they can also mask your farts! About to drop a seismic booty bomb? Pop on Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture and enjoy the challenge of syncing your flatulence to the cannon fire.