Most people know what a bidet is, but what is a bidet attachment?
We can all agree that having a clean butt is exhilarating. Walking, sitting, running, dancing, combing, eating, clapping, yawning – everything feels better with a hygienic heinie.
Bidets provide a way to keep your rear feeling as if you’ve just showered after every toilet-bound adventure.
Unfortunately, the high-tech, robotic, bordering on sentient toilet seat bidets popularized by Japan come at a price premium, with most worthwhile models costing $250 or more.
What if you don’t need a robot getting comfortable with your private areas?
What if all you want is a fresh fart canyon?
In that case, a bidet toilet attachment is exactly what you’re looking for.
Read on to learn the basics of what exactly a bidet toilet attachment is, and which ones are the best of the bunch.
Parts of a bidet attachment.
Bidet attachments are blissfully simple devices that – you guessed it – attach to your toilet. They don’t replace your existing toilet seat; they instead make their new home in the area between your toilet seat and the rim of the toilet itself.
A bidet attachment will have a control panel on the right side (sorry, lefties!).
This will have a couple dials or a lever which you can use to control the water pressure, temperature and function (nozzle cleaning, feminine wash, rear wash).
Connected to the control panel is a thin plastic housing which is going to be nestled between your toilet seat and toilet rim.
This piece will have some form of mounting to attach it to your toilet. Usually this means rotating or sliding plates that allow the unit to be easily connected to nearly any two-piece toilet.
It also contains the water connection from the control panel to the bidet nozzle, usually in the form of a very small hose.
Finally, we arrive at the stalwart workhorse of any bidet, the bidet nozzle.
Depending on which model you have, there will be either one or two nozzles (for front and rear washing).
Every mechanical bidet’s nozzle will automatically retract after use, with some also being self cleaning.
This means that when you stop the flow of water, the nozzle will retract into its housing to protect it from the ungodly fluids and particles that love to hang out in toilets.
How does a bidet attachment work?
After reading the appetizer sections about the basics of mechanical bidets and their parts, we’re finally ready to dive into the main course, the bidet-mignon, if you will – actually using your new bathroom upgrade.
So, how do you use a bidet attachment?
- Mount your throne, for this is the first step to attaining cleanliness of the booty.
- Pinch a loaf, maybe two, weary traveler; for to become clean, you must first dirty thyself.
- When relieved of excess baggage (worry not, emotional baggage can also be shed here in this place of peace), peer to your right and lower thy gaze until the panel of impending purity enters your view.
- Manipulate the controls, select thy desired temperature (brace thyself if warmer waters are unavailable, for winter is coming to your southern kingdoms) and pressure. Beware! Do not directly jump to the highest pressure setting; as the philosopher Epictetus once warned, “If one oversteps the bounds of moderation, the greatest pleasures cease to please.”
- Adjust thyself to suitably align with the cleansing beam which comes forth from the noble nozzle of neatness. Be not afraid, this bodily adjustment may indeed need to be repeated several times within the same cleansing session, as some filthy, malicious particles will no doubt try to escape the reach of the waters of wellness at the outset.
- When thou hath been satisfactorily purified, engage in barter with the nearby roll of toilet paper. Mayhaps one square will be adequate for drying? Mayhaps two? No matter, you have lessened the paper merchant’s power in this realm by reducing your kingdom’s need for his products.
- Stand proud and go forth, secure in the knowledge that you are fair, pure and unburdened by worry.
In other words, sit down, do your business, select the appropriate temperature and pressure, open the flow of water, adjust your rear to ensure the whole area gets sprayed, dry yourself off and get on with your day.
How do you choose the right bidet attachment?
This section is going to be quite straightforward, as there really aren’t THAT many variables to juggle when it comes to bidet attachments.
For me, the most important feature of any mechanical bidet is going to be the quality of its parts. Look for bidet attachments that use ceramic and metal valves.
It is possible to find decent bidets with plastic valves (this Astor Bidet comes to mind), but I prefer the potential for true longevity offered by sturdier construction.
Warm water or nah
When deciding between a bidet attachment that has warm water and one that doesn’t, consider these two factors:
Do you live in an area that has a true winter with very cold months?
Are you sensitive to cool or cold water?
If you answered yes to either of those, you might want to seriously consider opting for a warm-water option.
Living in Michigan for most of my life, I can attest to the incredibly uncomfortable temperatures our cold water could reach during the winter.
If I had to spray my moneymaker with that level of hellish, numbing cold, I’d probably just go back to using toilet paper. It’s sad, but true.
Will this bidet be used by any ladies
Unless you’re a dude who is living alone, consider getting a bidet attachment that features two nozzles.
One will be for the traditional rear cleansing, while the other will spray a gentler, more diffuse spray more forward for feminine cleaning.
It is great for everyday hygiene of the area as well as extremely nice to have during monthly periods.
That’s right, a bidet or a bidet attachment can help with the mess of monthly periods.
Lever or dial control
This is a minor variable and comes down to personal preference.
Do you want to control the water pressure and temperature with dials or a lever?
I prefer a lever because it streamlines the control panel, looks cooler (in my opinion) and feels better to use (also, only my opinion here).
Some prefer dials as they feel they have more control over pressure than with a lever, although I haven’t found this to be the case.
Some of the leading bidet attachments compared:
|Astor Fresh Water Bidet||Luxe Neo 180||Luxe Neo 320||Superior Bidet Supreme|
|Ceramic Valves?||No, plastic||Yes||Yes||Yes|
Take a look at our review of the Luxe Bidet Neo 320, my personal pick for the best bidet attachment, or feast your eyes on our expanding list of bidet attachment reviews.